I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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