Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize