the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
