I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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