I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
