I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
