I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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