Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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