I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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