Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
