I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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