Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
