I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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