i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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