"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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