you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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