Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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