Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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