Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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