I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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