I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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