hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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