the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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