my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
