Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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