Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
