you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Randomize
