Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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