i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
