He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
