8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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