Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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