Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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