I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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