I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
