Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
