I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
