Pants 0. Shit 1.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
