I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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