i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
