My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
