you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
