Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
