I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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