69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
