Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
