at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
