wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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