quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My bed smells like the plague
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