Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
they call him Oral-B. enough said
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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