I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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