last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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