Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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