I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
