I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
