You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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