My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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