i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
