at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
