I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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