I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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