i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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